The Fifth Agreement

Many of you liked The Four Agreements post best, and by many of you I mean my mom. This week had me thinking on trust in friendship. I hope you will take any of my posts and apply them to your own life.

Trusting yourself and trusting others. When to stay in, when to walk out. That is a big question and weakness for me. We need to learn to forgive ourselves and others for saying and doing careless things. We all do it. Well, all of you do it. I’m perfect. That's the fifth agreement. Be Impeccable With Your Word. Don't Take Anything Personally. Always Do Your Best. Susan Saraf is Perfect. (and so are you:)

Here’s an excerpt directly from pages 58-59 (I had a hard time stopping its all so good)

            “When we really see other people as they are without taking it personally, we can never be hurt by what they say or do. Even if others lie to you, it is okay. They are lying to you because they are afraid. They are afraid you will discover that they are not perfect It is painful to take the social mask off. If others say one thing, but do another, you are lying to yourself if you don’t listen to their actions. But if you are truthful with yourself, you will save yourself a lot of emotional pain. Telling yourself the truth about it may hurt, but you don’t need to be attached to the pain. Healing is on the way, and it’s just a matter of time before things will be better for you.

            If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn’t walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.

            When you make it a strong habit not to take anything personally, you avoid many upsets in your life. Your anger, jealousy, and envy will disappear, and even your sadness will simply disappear if you don’t take things personally.

            There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally. …The whole world can gossip about you and if you don’t take it personally, you are immune. Someone can intentionally send emotional poison, and if you don’t take it personally, you will not eat it. When you don’t take the emotional poison, it becomes even worse in the sender, but not in you.”

That last line seems out of step with the proliferation of love but hey, if you're looking for a motivator...

Good week! xx

I SO wanted this to be a fun one...

A few weeks ago I went to the post office. I dred the post office, especially when I have kids in tow. I've never been there when there's no line, and the staff, though pleasant enough when I finally get to them ripe with frustration and attitude, seem to get a perverse thrill at taking their time. A gentleman in his late sixties was standing behind me and my three year old son, I had my infant strapped to me in the carrier. I was doing my best. The man said hi a few times to my son, he had an aggressive vibe. My son who, although obviously not shy, turned his face and shook his head. He dissed him. The man looked hurt, I felt proud. Then my toddler getting bored and busy checked himself behind the cart that sells Fedex packs and such. I said, "Come here, if mama can't see you, someone could take you from me." To this the man threw up his hands, "See, you shouldn't do that, you shouldn't scare him! That's why he doesn't talk to people like me." I looked at him with compassion. "Exactly." I said. "I just shouldn't even bother, people like you will never get it." he said.

Oh but I do. I do get it. What this man I never laid eyes on before expected  from me and my three year old was something I'm glad we didn't deliver. First of all, what was his stake in getting a three year old to acknowledge him. Weird. Second, it didn't bother me, my son talks to his grandparents, friends and people we know. What does he need to talk to this random for? Listen, I wish we lived in a world where a grandfatherly like figure can be trusted, of course I do. But that is not where we live. We live in a world where most people are good, but its not worth the risk of promoting that because of the some that aren't.  *Incidentally, Channel four news reported this morning that of the 20,000 missing persons reported in NY every year, the majority are runaways, 200 are abducted but mostly by family members and only 2 have been killed since 2004.

A friend went to buy furniture at Bloomingdales outlet on Voice Road on Long Island yesterday. The salesman, Jeff, took great umbrage at her four year old who wanted her attention. He glared at her little boy and this is what he said. "Can't you see I'm talking to your mother? If you interrupt us again I will put you in my car and take you on a big adventure, you will never see your mother again and she'll never know where you are." My friend said it was like a flip switched in her brain, she lost it and rightly got the manager. I hope he lost his job, but will that just teach him to not say it next time and do it instead? Only thoughts lead to actions. He has told us who he is.  As the great Maya Angelou says, and Oprah quotes often, "The first time someone shows you who they are believe them." What do we need to wait for? Stuff and cuff, Jeff. See ya!

I'm heart sick over that sweet little boy, Leiby Kletzky. I thought of the mother going over the route with him, not wanting and wanting to give her son his first triumph of independence. Maybe she said, if you get lost ask someone. Burrough Park, notoriously safe, trusting. Her waiting, her realizing. (Btw, notice she hasn't posed for pictures and partied it up.)  I cried for her and her husband. My husband shed tears too. That poor family. The terrified innocent boy. The Huffington post did a great job reporting and the comments are worth reading. I felt better knowing thousands agree on the devastation, not blaming the parents and that this monster should be tortured and killed, his own parents prayed for. All except for, "Martiniandabotoxchaser", who said, obviously under the influence of too many chasers, and I paraphrase, "I really just hope they are sure they have the right person, it would be horrible if they are accusing the wrong person." THEY FOUND THE LITTLE BOYS FEET IN THE MAN'S REFRIGERATOR!!? With bloody butcher knives. He confessed. What more do you need?  I bet Martini is working for the other team, probably has body parts in her fridge and needs to be looked at too.

I had to tell my five year old, who has a penchant for running as fast as he can -away from me. No matter what I do/say to him I can't get him to stay reasonably by my side. I had to risk him having nightmares in his bed last night so that he wouldn't risk living a nightmare somewhere some unknown place else.  I didn't provide all the gory details, but gave enough that by the time it was bathtime he asked about it again. "Will the bad man go to jail?" he asked. "Yes, forever." I said, sadly, doubtful.  "and lots of shots!" My three year old who didn't know the story jumped on board, I thought "Gunshots? That's the spirit!" "They take him to the doctors office and do's shots, mama, lots of lots of shots." He said, pumping his chubby little fist. Oh, bless.

That man in the post office may be right.  I may be wrong to use fear to try to keep my kids as safe as I can, but I hope forever that the worst fear my babies can relate to is shots at the pediatrician.

How do you feel? What do you think?

Do we always need to go with the flow?

**I have tried to check the right boxes on this (for me) complicated format, hopefully it will be easier to leave a comment on the blog, but thank you so much for the emails and visits, we broke 600 this week! 

The Four Agreements

Repost- Originally published July 7, 2011

I know I shouldn't because everyone is but I just can't not. Casey Anthony. I mean, seriously. I don't know if she did it or not, I wasn't there (seems that's where you needed to be in order to convict) but shouldn't her not caring, in fact partying for the MONTH she didn't know where her toddler was be punishable by...I don't know...death?! Or at least something? If I lost my child for twenty minutes, I'm telling everybody, I'm a bereft basket case,  not to mention a day! Thirty days! I'm not drinking, partying, posing for pictures with people in da club, like Holla! Let me rephrase that, if my neighbors kid was missing for a day, I'm not partying. I don't even think I could have a bar-b-que if my neighbors kid was missing, maybe after two weeks, but even then- am I turning the music up? Game time call. Criminal.

Oy. So in a world where family can be counted on to test our strength, coupons seem impossible to figure out and sociopaths roam free, here's what I read to gain peace and understanding:

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. His teachings are not easy to live by, but they can make living life easy.  (And if you can buy a few copies and get that dream to come true- that the people you want to change will take the hint - life is even easier!) Some genius said, Genius finds the easiest way to do everything. Go be a genius. Make your life easy easier.

These are the four agreements (he's also added a fifth...but that's... later.)

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word. (Use your words in the direction of truth and love. Your word can create heaven on earth but it can also create hell. Also silence is deadly. Be brave enough to show up and express yourself.)

2. Don't Take Anything Personally. ANYTHING, anything. Everything people do is because of themselves and their point of view. It's never about you. Someone calls you a terd, its about them, someone tells you you're a goddess (I get that alot), its about them. Someone doesn't call you back, it's about them (oh, no strike the goddess this is the one I get alot).

3. Don't Make Assumptions. (We don't know what is going on, ask questions instead of making assumptions.)
Sample conversation:

"You didn't call me back- what? You's think I have flee's?"
"No I was getting a haircut."
"Oh, so glad I asked ya's, how's it look?"
 "Decent."

4. Always Do Your Best. (You can't ask yourself for more than that.)

So this is my feeble summary, in no way do I do it justice (hey, I kind of feel like a Florida juror). But I hope I teased you enough that you buy the book, even if you use it once, its worth it.  Hint. Hint. <3

Georgie Wash

This is how we were:

"I tried to read that book on George you gave me, Dad,"I said. "I couldn't even get through one paragraph-so hard."
"I read that and four others." He said.
"Who can get enough." I said, laughing.