Breakdown- Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers- "I ain't afraid of you runnin' away honey, I get the feelin' you won't." - See? TP my kinda nut.
Beast of Burden- The Rolling Stones
"If someone doesn't respond to you the first time, that's their answer." ~Holly Smith
Oh, man. I've never tried that one. I'm one of six kids, pretty sure it's why I assume I need to talk fast and repeat often...no? No. Turns out, no.
There is no need to hammer away at ourselves for being confused/distraught when someone whom we were in regular contact, shared side splitting laughs or bang on intimacy- disappears.
When you realize they've gone missing you may find yourself compulsively attempting to reach them. Out of fear, out of hope, out of expectation, out of denial. Out of self-doubt.
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| A true friend is hard to find but easy to talk to. I'm so lucky I found this nut. Congratulations Holly on Walker William. 8/6/14xx |
Even though....
Okay, so let's set the scene. Hypothetical of course (hypothetical means phony in five syllables. I even know someone who's name means phony in three.) If only high school ended in high school, but it doesn't. Sad but true. But since we're grown...I'll play your game, but I'm going to be the coach.
So you realize that you haven't heard back from (fill in the blank) in a while. You notice, but there's no concern. You then see that you called a couple times and no response. Hmmm. You reach out with another call/text. Straight to voicemail or watching them on Messenger as they ignore you- good times! I hope s/he's okay? You wonder if s/he's depressed or busy and needs help- that's it. S/he hates to ask for anything, pride leads the parade to overwhelmed. Waiting to hear back you say to yourself. "Well, self, in the meantime, let's go me-time!" You check the fading Facebook or whatever social media you thrive on- only to find not only is your pal Houdini perfectly capable of getting out and of dressing. She's able to put her arms around other Smiley Good-Times just like her and pose! This brings a twinge of self-pity followed by a shot of guilt. Well, what about me? Well, at least she isn't dead. Is that a pic of s/he dancing at your mutual friends party? Suddenly, your cheeks burn red in embarrassment. While you were leaving messy messages in the humor you once shared, you were actually persona non grata. Every pic tells the same story. Your once talk-twice-a-day is immersed in social connection while giving you zero percent call back. The once (because a face turns ugly after betrayal) cherished face is a gleam amongst a bevy of people, (or two) who also appear to be having a blast. Aren't those the people your friend never liked? Who are those girls? So you scroll comments. "Hey best thing everrrr! Awesome seeing you!!" or "We'll be in town tomorrow, join?!" and the response, "Totally, call me!" Huh?
Dear friend is not only over your ass but being celebrated by every ass in town. Confused and rationalizing you call/text again. This time you leave a lengthy message basically saying "I'm onto ya." Alienating? Possibly. No, definitely. Who wants to read that? Satisfying to write, stomach churning to receive. As the sender, I have delivered myself the torture of pressing send too soon. There's no getting it back. Cyber F'd.
I have been on both sides. I'm not great with the phone. Forget not great, I do not like talking on the phone at all. There have been people in my life who are still in my life, who think I'm making it up. They decide that I'm lying. They choose to think I do like talking on the phone- just not to them. Haha! But hey, I can't laugh too hard because I make up my own stories all of the time. I have listened to a message or two and after being blown away from their confusions delayed their request for communication. I understand that too. It would just be too hard for me to let anyone suffer and never from a good friend, like in that above scenario. That is tough terrain. Sure, I've gotten served un-fun email. No one likes confrontation, but no communication is terminal. For me, it helps to take care of it quick. I feel better if when I can gain an understanding of whatever trippy madness is going on (jk). That we can turn down the noise as early as possible. Even if it's about me-yuck. Otherwise the volume inevitably gets turned up, even blaring. I am not a fan of heavy noise. I prefer to sing to the music. We're all nuts, we just have to find the nuts that are our kind of nutty- again Holly.
Hand me that hammer.
Merci;)
There is a need for you to hammer away at your psyche and discern why you would continue to invite a person into your life who has left your proverbial party without so much as a wave? You are asking for more than they are capable of giving, you know that already because they didn't even take time for two words, thank you. Yet, you are still back at your own party asking them to scrape off dinner dishes and clean up your mess. Yes, yours. It was your party for one, if it were their party, they'd still be there!
The fact is it really doesn't matter what they tell you, if they tell you. The heart is a savvy selector. Many times the trust is gone. They may have very good reasons, they may have none at all. You may have made the whole thing up (they will for sure say:) We tell ourselves a lot of stories. The only person you can truly work to know is yourself (and not to get all 'praise Lord' here), and the God that created you. Yes, even you. You pathetic, needy, overly sensitive soul. "You are the word of God spoken just once." Just once. So, while it feels humiliating to realize someone you used to know and laugh with or who loved you- doesn't want to acknowledge you anymore, others acknowledgement is not what qualifies you as a person here on earth with a job to do. Your acknowledgement of your gifts bestowed and your truth does. If you did right, there is no wrong for you to fix. Time to get another job.
I write what I need to read. In my own life I need to constantly take the blinders off. When in doubt I consult a trusted friend. I prefer someone a bit older or who's been through the trenches, they know more stuff, plus they've heard it all and nowhere to hide. Like that gem, stated simply and eloquently and quoted above, "If someone doesn't respond to you the first time, that's their answer." Ay Carumba, speak it sister. I never do that! I'm all for bombarding. And fair warning to Holly, I would never let her go with one call. I barely know where my phone is half the time. I can't imagine being like, ok she didn't respond, time to find an acorn. See how I do that? Excuse me, DID that. That is the past. I chose to start listening today. The first time.
If you find yourself in this rocking sinking ship, save yourself from further pain and walk away from the slamming, piercing silence. Without self-hating! Only a sociopath wouldn't feel the loss of a friend, especially when they are committed to making you notice and fish. Consider your need to know "the why's" as none of your biz. You have bigger nuts to crack! Find your people! If we truly cared about the cowardly-bags that ditched us, we wouldn't want them to feel burdened by their choice. This is the land of the free baby? Remember? Who just said that? That was not me. You drop me, go ahead and feel it. Let's not bother caring about people who don't treat us well. If they once were respectful and are now giving you the short shrift, they know it, those types of people are not my brand of nut, that's all. Press on. There are so many cool people out there. Go help yourself to a handful of nuts. I do! Lots too!
Good week all!!
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