SpunkerFLY Woman of The Month of June

Song: Another Love by Tom Odell (irrelevant to post- just cool song*)

*I am still working out the kinks of this new SpunkerFly person of the month feature.  Please bare with me.  I sent our prospect a list of 5 questions and then followed up with two more.  I would like it to have a more conversational feel- but with time being hard to come by- this seemed to be the best strategy.  Happy Independence Day!!  I hope you enjoy learning a bit about what it means to be in a democracy on the local level this month with help from our SpunkerFLY woman of the month, Laura Curran.  God Bless America!

Congratulations on your nomination for Nassau County Legislature! What an honor to know you.  And thanks for being my friend even though I know nothing about what you're doing and claim no political affiliation, I'm a GDI:)  So fill me in.  What will be your role once nominated? 

Laura Curran for Nassau County Legislature (5th LD)

 Thanks so much for your good wishes, and for letting me discuss my candidacy on your excellent blog. I am running for Nassau County Legislator. The district I'm running to represent (the 5th LD) includes Baldwin and parts of Freeport, Rockville Centre, Merrick, Oceanside, and South Hempstead. The seat is open, meaning there is no incumbent, so I will be spending much of the summer and fall talking and listening to as many of the district's residents as I can.

You're very welcome! So in specific terms what does your position entail? Obviously, I don't mind sounding ignorant.  Is it maintaining/pushing traffic laws? Garbage pick-up? Paving streets? School budgets? Zoning? Taxes? Still can't say I know what the job entails... please explain.  

This is such a great question. There are so many layers of government, I think people have a hard time keeping track of who's in charge of what. You may know who your representative in Congress is, but not your state senator, your state assemblyman, your county legislator, your town councilwoman -- and who to call when the sewer backs up.

To answer your question, the Nassau County Legislature is made up of 19 elected officials, representing different parts of the county. They work with the county executive (kind of like the county's "mayor"), and are responsible for guiding and approving the county budget, which includes funding for the county jail, county roads, the county police department and fire commission, county parks and museums, social services provided by the county, the partial funding of Nassau Community College -- anything the county does. 

But it can get a little complicated. In Rockville Centre, for instance, you have a Village police department, but the county police are responsible for detective services in RVC. Next door in Baldwin, which does not have its own police department, the county is in charge of all police services. 

Legislators can also write bills that may turn into laws, such as the recent one forbidding sale of tobacco to anyone under 19. If elected, I would also be in touch with constituents daily, helping them solve problems, advocate for the communities in the district, and make sure people in need get the services they are entitled to. 

Legislators are also in a position to create a vision for the county, about the direction we should be taking, and then take the concrete steps to help that vision become a reality.

What do you need to get the position? 

My goal is to meet as many people as possible, and share my vision for our wonderful, diverse district, and for Nassau County. 

Would you mind sharing a little bit about yourself? How did you get to Baldwin? Where did you go to college? Did you have a profession before kids? 

I graduated from Sarah Lawrence College in 1989, and landed a reporting job at a small newspaper in Brooklyn. I was hooked. I moved on to become a reporter at New York Daily News and the New York Post, covering education, politics, crime -- you name it -- and was often among the first reporters at breaking news scenes. It was a great gig. Every day was different, every day I learned something new.

How did I get to Baldwin? I settled here with my soon-to-be husband in 1997. After a childhood of moving from city to city, I knew I wanted to put down roots and stay put for a long time. We actually bought the first house we looked at. It was the front porch that got me. (I'm a sucker for a great porch, and three kids later, we're still in that same cozy house.)

 Nice! How do you find balancing being a mom and having a job? 

As any mom -- working outside the home or not -- knows, it is a juggling act. I expect to be even more busy now that I am a candidate, but am very lucky. My husband is extremely supportive, I have helpful in-laws who live nearby, and wonderful neighbors who are pitching in. It really is a team effort.

In my mind most politicians were people who were constantly barking about over the issues and although I know you are a disciplined, dedicated and conscientious person - you are also about as light and fun as they come.  Yippee!  So am I wrong to think you are an anomaly? Or are you like the Google of politics.  "Google was to corporate culture as Laura Curran is to local politics."  

Well, I am flattered! In local politics, people want leaders who can fix problems, not get mired in political name-calling. I think I am reasonable person, willing to work with anyone -- regardless of party -- to solve problems.

This is fun, but I'm (manically) thinking it might be more fun to interview you on a couch Oprah-style (tissues, tears, laughs, lights) could be a nice five year plan:D  Where do you see yourself in that time? 

In five years, my oldest girl will be off to college. You will be on the best-seller list. As for me, I love public service (I currently serve on the Baldwin School Board), so I hope to be continuing to serve however I can!

Fingers crossed. Thank you so much for your time and service, you are FLY.

Thank you! xo

Are You Your Own Worst Frenemy?

Song- Friends - Whodini
Recommended Reading A Smart Girls Guide to Friendship Troubles - written for young girls, good advice for anybody.

Pop Quiz.

1. When a friend or acquaintance asks you if something is wrong, do you tell them they're a weirdo and  pathologize their feelings? Tell them they are twisting things and refuse to acknowledge your part?

2. Have you ever said in a "discussion" with a friend, "Well, I'm not the only one who thinks it.  Sally does too."  That is some grade A junior high nastiness.  I put "discussion" in quotes because...that is a "diss- cusion" just meant to diss the other person at any cost to make yourself look, sound, feel superior. Do you feel great when you leave the conversation delivering an emotional concussion?

3. Does everyone around you agree with you? ***

4. When having an issue with a friend, do you try to get other friends in the circle to side up with you effectively putting your friend on trial behind their back and assassinating their character?

5. Do you use status to control people? Are you hyper aware of your status? Other peoples? Always pushing for it? Working who you know and what you have into conversation? Do you place status over feelings?

*** It feels good to be understood, but beware if you are telling your mean girl stories- stories that in your heart you know don't add up to you behaving like much of a swell soul- and you're being cheered on.  People are nodding so that they are not your next victim, inside they are not cheering, their inner child is rolling her eyes or hiding behind her skirt.

If you answered yes to any of these,  it's time to take a look at yourself - hard and clear- maybe issue some humble apologies.  The first apology is to yourself.  Whatever your reasons for behaving this way- spiritual bankruptcy, you were dropped on your head as a child, drugs, alcohol, molestation, your parents got divorced and Daddy spoiled you with money not time...or you grew up in the middle of nowhere and never felt seen, whatever the case may be.  Every time you act your garbage out, you are hurting yourself and you deserve better.  God didn't put you on this earth to be an asshole.  If you have been the victim of this emotional jumprope, noose, trauma- confused by a friendship gone sour without knowing the where or the why...it's time to get behind yourself and rebuild that faltering self-esteem.  Anyone who treats you without respect for your feelings is using you as an embellishment for their ego and cutting yours down in the process.  If you recognize it and still feed into it, by allowing them in your life without resolution...you are agreeing to their terms and have no one to blame but yourself. You may be your own worst frenemy.

I loved when the word frenemy first came out.  What a perfect turn of phrase.  Frenemies look like friends, as in, they are around you, to look like support, but they treat you essentially like an enemy.  They talk about you, talk down to you, social compare, lift you up then ignore you, adore, slice, nice-all in spinning unpredictable turns. I thought, wow. So that's what that is. I was negotiating my heart with emotional terrorists, they strike at any minute and leave a mass of destruction.  I never felt safe or sure where I stood.  That phrase really took the mask off of that confusion.  Confusion, I might add, I didn't fathom dealing with in my thirties.  But there I was.  Traumatized by what felt like the loss of my friends.  I realize now you can't lose friends, real friends anyway. Then I had the honor of getting to be my own friend.  I didn't have many others in my vicinity, so, it was more of a had to then a want to. And then I realized along that road, I was a frenemy, to myself.  I'd build myself up- you deserve respect, you deserve to be understood, what you said was funny! Cute outfit!  And then I'd get out the door and have an interaction with one of these people-and tell myself- you suck, you don't make sense, that was so out of line! What the hell are you wearing?! Turning on myself, not to myself, but on myself.  Based on my perception of how I was being received.  Because I felt unsure of myself, that's the emotional terrorists goal, to control you, by keeping you from feeling safe. The good part about being in a new place- emotional or geographically is that you can make different choices about who gets to share in your life.  The good part about having this social crisis in my thirties was that I'd seen a thing or two.  Still attracted to familiar ingrained patterns of PLEASE FU&*&ING LIKE ME!!, I was given the miracle of awareness- of knowing myself enough to say, "Hmm, this is how the beginning of the end hurt before and I ain't going down that road again.  Come friend Susan, let's see what's over here, in Stable Town."

A good rule of thumb is, would I let this happen to my child? Would I want my child to be friends with this person?  If you don't have a child, ask yourself, would I want this for my five year old self, my inner child?  If that doesn't work for you, try telling the story as if you were telling it about someone else.  Try the third person, "There was this girl and her friend would be her friend one day and then ignore her the next, when she asked her friend if there was something she did to bother her, she went ape shit and told her she was weird." Now if you were to listen to someone tell this story and then wonder what they should do or do anything other but be strictly cordial when running into them, what would you think? Wouldn't you think they were not in their right mind? Well, they're not.  They are in the throws of confusion.   Be there for them.  You've been there yourself. "If this person doesn't like me, I am not worth liking, I will not like myself enough to step away."- basically.  If someone makes your stomach heave when your phone rings, texts or you see them, you no longer need to be tied to them - that just causes you unneeded drama.  It's essential to tell the story honestly and in the third person to get some distance and perspective.  I have had the occasion after writing it out, (I'm a writer, so I write:D) but you can tell a friend, or the mirror) where I've seen that I was wrong or could see their side of the story and felt relief.  You could not judge yourself, you could honor yourself!  Yes! You are allowed to do that.

Don't mistake this for a license to be a pain in the arse.  If you have a legitimate one-off with a friend (or if it's a friendship spanning many years- a few), talk about it.  Otherwise, life is probably trying to take you in another direction and you are resisting, you'll know because the friendship is too much work.  Work that needs to be focused on your job, husband or kids- or getting a job, husband or kids.  Take care of your relationships, but don't get distracted either.  Some folks are sole focused on their needs, draining your energy to fill up their cup.  Some people will just suck you dry- emotional vampires- I believe is the term.  Some of us like that so that we can ignore our scarier issues. "I'll get wrapped up in psycho sitch over there, so that I don't have to deal with my stuff over here."  I do that.  I'll distract myself with petty nonsense or gossip and then I'll ask myself, "Self, Why do I care?"  Oh, I don't.  I just don't want to deal with what are my issues...I did it last night and I'll do it again.  But my awareness is coming quicker and I'm getting refocused on what I need to take care of faster.  Progress people.  All we can do is progress.  Not one of us has it locked down.  The idea is to have a dream of how you want to be and work to get there.  I'm not sure I ever will, but that's not an excuse to give up.  Oh, I slipped into that again- quitting time!  No.  You can start everyday over.  And over and over. Until one day that thing you do, will be a thing you did in the past.

There are many awesome people out there.   You deserve to be laughing and connecting and chilling with them.  Cool isn't about status or money.  Friendship isn't about it either.  I'm not saying if you like a stylish crowd that you have to hang around with Mr. and Mrs. Schlubby to have friends.  There are plenty of cool people who know how to dress themselves.  Friendship isn't because you're both nerds and poor anymore than it's because you are both popular and rich or rich nerds or poor populars.  Friendship can't be cool in that space. Friendship is cool.  Cool friends are emotionally available, they get life and understand the ride.  They get that you're busy, you get that they are too. When you talk you leave feeling more of yourself, more joyful, more connected, more at home in yourself.  You don't feel less than.  They appreciate and respect your boundaries and have their own.  They don't freak out when your likes aren't identical to theirs, they appreciate a different perspective, they guide you when you ask.   Cool friends don't feel challenged and defensive when you miscommunicate.  Miscommunication you can count on.  They are happy to clear it up! (Or at least willing).  Cool people don't shame you, scold you, silence you, or go silent on you.  That is not cool, that is cruel.  Don't deny the cool people your friendship because you are wasting space in your head (which is actually your very short life!), dealing, struggling with these nit-wits, a kind name for emotional terrorists. That is a direct order.  If you've tried to connect and got nothing back or at the other extreme yelled at (!?).  Don't waste time trying to make it different, wishing you could go back and rewrite history... "I shouldn't have put myself out there or I shouldn't have given my power away! (What power? What power did you have over someone who would treat you thus? What power do you have over anybody? Is power something you want in a friendship? I won't make you wait for the answer key at the bottom of the page- the answers are- None, none, none and no.) Your power is honoring yourself.  You serve people by honoring yourself.  It allows people the freedom by your example, to honor themselves.  It's attractive.  Brush these people, (friend is a word of supreme stature- reserved for those deserving), off like dandruff off of your shoulder and hold your head up high.  You have just become the person you'd like to spend time with.  Seeing as how you have no choice in that matter, I'd be pretty psyched!   Be cool and cool will be with you.

Look, everybody's crazy, you just have to find people who are crazy like you.  Instead of taking an emotional beating, you'll laugh at your crazies together and learn to make better choices by having this acceptance...laugh, laughter is good.  If you aren't laughing, you aren't living.  Live people!! LIVE!!  Be your own best friend, not your own worst frenemy.

Unrequited Kitty

Song: Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay - Otis Redding

A man walked up to me,  he was tall, in his sixties.  He slumped his shoulders to meet mine, ducking his head under to meet my eyes.  I wasn't averting his eyes,  but I would of had to touch the crown of my head to the middle of my back if I were going to meet his.

"Do you mind if I tell you a quick story?" he asked.  He smiled warmly, hesitant but compelled and going for it.

"I'm not really sure why but I saw you and I just have to tell you this."

Someone recently said of my brother, "he's a nice mix of mischievous and friendly." I loved that.  Simple and true.  Later I thought, and certainly last night, I was an ornery mix of exhausted and not-in- the-mood.  I had just completed a marathon day of errands; and one romantic thrill- my son and I followed a tip from a friend and got the last kitten in a Vets free litter of five.  We hadn't decided on a name...Tanker? Juvie? These were his suggestions.  "Juvie" as in juvenile hall...um.  Kinda fun.  But she was a girl.  Images from the show Women: Behind Prison Walls of tatted up sad and graying tough chicks wasn't the vision I had for this sweet nothing.

I smiled a sure, go ahead, even though YOU'RE KILLING ME, smile and then we both laughed.

"It's ten minutes, I promise," he said.

"No, no, totally," I said. "It's fine." And then for fun, a deadpan, "What."

"Oh, my gosh, that's just like her too," he said, clapping his hands.

Then he got down to it.

"I grew up in California.  My dad was a lawyer and his partner was a lawyer too.  They had a big family and we had a big family.  I was the youngest in mine, and she was the youngest in hers.  We did everything together, spent summers at our summer house, our families both had motor boats and they would ride in theirs along side ours (he made his hands act like two boats a couple of inches apart cruising in the water)..."

I nodded.

"One of those last days of summer,  when after our families went back up to camp and our dads had cleaned off the boats, me and Alma sat on the edge of the dock. She was eleven and I was ten. I had the biggest crush on her and a box of Cracker Jacks.  The prize was one of those gold plastic rings and I gave it to her," he said. "You look just like her. I saw you and I thought, there's Alma."

"Alma?" I asked, intrigued.  I tried to think of myself as an "Alma."

"Alma," he said, nodding, smiling.  The way he said her name was as if he could taste the breeze off the dock, see her freckles and touch her wind whipped hair.  "Alma."

I imagined this tall grey haired man now in his sixties- as a young boy, feet dangling,  scooping up a splash of water and spraying it playfully at her feet- distracting her from the seriousness of his feelings.  Maybe she squealed and told him to stop.  Maybe she kicked back a splash of her own.  The sun setting in front of them, their lives setting along with it.

"So, I don't know, sorry," he said, letting me go. "I just had to tell you that."

"I love it," I said. "I can't hear enough love stories. Thank you."

"Oh good, okay," he said.  "I wasn't sure."

"Where is she?" I asked.

"Oh," he waved his hand back over time,  somethings-are-not-meant-to-be pain around his crinkly eyes, "she's back in California, I'm here, it was just I had such a crush on her."

Yes, it's just 50 years later and you still do.  I felt sad.

"It's funny, I shop states and cities now like I used to shop guys. I'm always on Trulia," I laughed,  not sure if I was putting across the analogy.  Shop was not the right word, not romantic.  Sleazy, actually.  Alma and sleazy didn't go together.  I felt embarrassed.  I hoped he understood I appreciated the difference between his treasured past and my present escape. "Right now, Mill Valley is my heartthrob, northern California... Stinson Beach..."

        "Two thousand miles I roam just 
        to make this dock my home." -Otis Redding

"That's where we were," he said, nodding enthusiastically.

I looked at him, no kidding. 

"Yup. I grew up in San Francisco and our summer house was in Stinson Beach.  That was the dock."

"Wild," I said. "So how big was your family, and hers?"

"We were four, she was of five," he said. "Yep, so... I didn't want to bother you but I saw you and I just had to say it.  I'm not really sure why."

"I'm so glad you did," I said. "Hey, maybe it's a sign."

"Well, Mill Valley's like...whoah, you'll need more than a sign."

"Yea, Mill (ion dollar) Valley," I said.

"That's right," he said.  Now it seemed I was keeping him.

"Okay, well, bye."

When I got home I found the kitten.  I held her by one hand, up in the air, over my face, looking into her green ominous eyes, the last in a litter of five.

"Alma." So named.  No Juvie for you.

Sweet, romantic, perfect Alma.  She was scared, naturally, so it was hard to get a true sense of her while she was nervous.  Her eyes were sharp, pupils dilated in a diabolical trance that would pass after a good night's sleep.

Then we had a good nights sleep.  Alma, seemed to have maladjusted to the move.  Or she got good and comfortable quick.  Within an hour it seemed she urinated on every surface. A stench so bitter and powerful I could taste it.  Then she scratched the bejesus out of all of us.  I have paper cut-like lacerations from elbow to ankle.  I seriously look like I was attacked by an itty bitty Edward Scissor Hands.  I noticed our two year old, barely had an unmarked spot on his legs.  Hmm.  I started thinking, I wasn't quite ready for Alma.  Alma might not be ready for us.  Then Colbert, came down the stairs.  "Mom, can I have chocolate for snack?" he asked. Alma sprang from the back of the room, bounding toward him.  She jumped four feet in the air, hurdled an ottoman and still in flight landed on his thigh.  She clung there as he yelped in pain, thin claws clutching to his femur.

I walked into the basement.  Got the kitty carrier and dropped her off outside the Vet where we claimed her.

Somethings are not meant to be.  It was just I had such a crush on her.  Maybe it's a sign.

"Looks like nothing's gonna change, everything still remains the same. I can't do what ten people tell me to do, so I guess I'll remain the same. " - Otis Redding