Song- Friends - Whodini
Recommended Reading A Smart Girls Guide to Friendship Troubles - written for young girls, good advice for anybody.
Pop Quiz.
1. When a friend or acquaintance asks you if something is wrong, do you tell them they're a weirdo and pathologize their feelings? Tell them they are twisting things and refuse to acknowledge your part?
2. Have you ever said in a "discussion" with a friend, "Well, I'm not the only one who thinks it. Sally does too." That is some grade A junior high nastiness. I put "discussion" in quotes because...that is a "diss- cusion" just meant to diss the other person at any cost to make yourself look, sound, feel superior. Do you feel great when you leave the conversation delivering an emotional concussion?
3. Does everyone around you agree with you? ***
4. When having an issue with a friend, do you try to get other friends in the circle to side up with you effectively putting your friend on trial behind their back and assassinating their character?
5. Do you use status to control people? Are you hyper aware of your status? Other peoples? Always pushing for it? Working who you know and what you have into conversation? Do you place status over feelings?
*** It feels good to be understood, but beware if you are telling your mean girl stories- stories that in your heart you know don't add up to you behaving like much of a swell soul- and you're being cheered on. People are nodding so that they are not your next victim, inside they are not cheering, their inner child is rolling her eyes or hiding behind her skirt.
If you answered yes to any of these, it's time to take a look at yourself - hard and clear- maybe issue some humble apologies. The first apology is to yourself. Whatever your reasons for behaving this way- spiritual bankruptcy, you were dropped on your head as a child, drugs, alcohol, molestation, your parents got divorced and Daddy spoiled you with money not time...or you grew up in the middle of nowhere and never felt seen, whatever the case may be. Every time you act your garbage out, you are hurting yourself and you deserve better. God didn't put you on this earth to be an asshole. If you have been the victim of this emotional jumprope, noose, trauma- confused by a friendship gone sour without knowing the where or the why...it's time to get behind yourself and rebuild that faltering self-esteem. Anyone who treats you without respect for your feelings is using you as an embellishment for their ego and cutting yours down in the process. If you recognize it and still feed into it, by allowing them in your life without resolution...you are agreeing to their terms and have no one to blame but yourself. You may be your own worst frenemy.
I loved when the word frenemy first came out. What a perfect turn of phrase. Frenemies look like friends, as in, they are around you, to look like support, but they treat you essentially like an enemy. They talk about you, talk down to you, social compare, lift you up then ignore you, adore, slice, nice-all in spinning unpredictable turns. I thought, wow. So that's what that is. I was negotiating my heart with emotional terrorists, they strike at any minute and leave a mass of destruction. I never felt safe or sure where I stood. That phrase really took the mask off of that confusion. Confusion, I might add, I didn't fathom dealing with in my thirties. But there I was. Traumatized by what felt like the loss of my friends. I realize now you can't lose friends, real friends anyway. Then I had the honor of getting to be my own friend. I didn't have many others in my vicinity, so, it was more of a had to then a want to. And then I realized along that road, I was a frenemy, to myself. I'd build myself up- you deserve respect, you deserve to be understood, what you said was funny! Cute outfit! And then I'd get out the door and have an interaction with one of these people-and tell myself- you suck, you don't make sense, that was so out of line! What the hell are you wearing?! Turning on myself, not to myself, but on myself. Based on my perception of how I was being received. Because I felt unsure of myself, that's the emotional terrorists goal, to control you, by keeping you from feeling safe. The good part about being in a new place- emotional or geographically is that you can make different choices about who gets to share in your life. The good part about having this social crisis in my thirties was that I'd seen a thing or two. Still attracted to familiar ingrained patterns of PLEASE FU&*&ING LIKE ME!!, I was given the miracle of awareness- of knowing myself enough to say, "Hmm, this is how the beginning of the end hurt before and I ain't going down that road again. Come friend Susan, let's see what's over here, in Stable Town."
A good rule of thumb is, would I let this happen to my child? Would I want my child to be friends with this person? If you don't have a child, ask yourself, would I want this for my five year old self, my inner child? If that doesn't work for you, try telling the story as if you were telling it about someone else. Try the third person, "There was this girl and her friend would be her friend one day and then ignore her the next, when she asked her friend if there was something she did to bother her, she went ape shit and told her she was weird." Now if you were to listen to someone tell this story and then wonder what they should do or do anything other but be strictly cordial when running into them, what would you think? Wouldn't you think they were not in their right mind? Well, they're not. They are in the throws of confusion. Be there for them. You've been there yourself. "If this person doesn't like me, I am not worth liking, I will not like myself enough to step away."- basically. If someone makes your stomach heave when your phone rings, texts or you see them, you no longer need to be tied to them - that just causes you unneeded drama. It's essential to tell the story honestly and in the third person to get some distance and perspective. I have had the occasion after writing it out, (I'm a writer, so I write:D) but you can tell a friend, or the mirror) where I've seen that I was wrong or could see their side of the story and felt relief. You could not judge yourself, you could honor yourself! Yes! You are allowed to do that.
Don't mistake this for a license to be a pain in the arse. If you have a legitimate one-off with a friend (or if it's a friendship spanning many years- a few), talk about it. Otherwise, life is probably trying to take you in another direction and you are resisting, you'll know because the friendship is too much work. Work that needs to be focused on your job, husband or kids- or getting a job, husband or kids. Take care of your relationships, but don't get distracted either. Some folks are sole focused on their needs, draining your energy to fill up their cup. Some people will just suck you dry- emotional vampires- I believe is the term. Some of us like that so that we can ignore our scarier issues. "I'll get wrapped up in psycho sitch over there, so that I don't have to deal with my stuff over here." I do that. I'll distract myself with petty nonsense or gossip and then I'll ask myself, "Self, Why do I care?" Oh, I don't. I just don't want to deal with what are my issues...I did it last night and I'll do it again. But my awareness is coming quicker and I'm getting refocused on what I need to take care of faster. Progress people. All we can do is progress. Not one of us has it locked down. The idea is to have a dream of how you want to be and work to get there. I'm not sure I ever will, but that's not an excuse to give up. Oh, I slipped into that again- quitting time! No. You can start everyday over. And over and over. Until one day that thing you do, will be a thing you did in the past.
There are many awesome people out there. You deserve to be laughing and connecting and chilling with them. Cool isn't about status or money. Friendship isn't about it either. I'm not saying if you like a stylish crowd that you have to hang around with Mr. and Mrs. Schlubby to have friends. There are plenty of cool people who know how to dress themselves. Friendship isn't because you're both nerds and poor anymore than it's because you are both popular and rich or rich nerds or poor populars. Friendship can't be cool in that space. Friendship is cool. Cool friends are emotionally available, they get life and understand the ride. They get that you're busy, you get that they are too. When you talk you leave feeling more of yourself, more joyful, more connected, more at home in yourself. You don't feel less than. They appreciate and respect your boundaries and have their own. They don't freak out when your likes aren't identical to theirs, they appreciate a different perspective, they guide you when you ask. Cool friends don't feel challenged and defensive when you miscommunicate. Miscommunication you can count on. They are happy to clear it up! (Or at least willing). Cool people don't shame you, scold you, silence you, or go silent on you. That is not cool, that is cruel. Don't deny the cool people your friendship because you are wasting space in your head (which is actually your very short life!), dealing, struggling with these nit-wits, a kind name for emotional terrorists. That is a direct order. If you've tried to connect and got nothing back or at the other extreme yelled at (!?). Don't waste time trying to make it different, wishing you could go back and rewrite history... "I shouldn't have put myself out there or I shouldn't have given my power away! (What power? What power did you have over someone who would treat you thus? What power do you have over anybody? Is power something you want in a friendship? I won't make you wait for the answer key at the bottom of the page- the answers are- None, none, none and no.) Your power is honoring yourself. You serve people by honoring yourself. It allows people the freedom by your example, to honor themselves. It's attractive. Brush these people, (friend is a word of supreme stature- reserved for those deserving), off like dandruff off of your shoulder and hold your head up high. You have just become the person you'd like to spend time with. Seeing as how you have no choice in that matter, I'd be pretty psyched! Be cool and cool will be with you.
Look, everybody's crazy, you just have to find people who are crazy like you. Instead of taking an emotional beating, you'll laugh at your crazies together and learn to make better choices by having this acceptance...laugh, laughter is good. If you aren't laughing, you aren't living. Live people!! LIVE!! Be your own best friend, not your own worst frenemy.
Recommended Reading A Smart Girls Guide to Friendship Troubles - written for young girls, good advice for anybody.
Pop Quiz.
1. When a friend or acquaintance asks you if something is wrong, do you tell them they're a weirdo and pathologize their feelings? Tell them they are twisting things and refuse to acknowledge your part?
2. Have you ever said in a "discussion" with a friend, "Well, I'm not the only one who thinks it. Sally does too." That is some grade A junior high nastiness. I put "discussion" in quotes because...that is a "diss- cusion" just meant to diss the other person at any cost to make yourself look, sound, feel superior. Do you feel great when you leave the conversation delivering an emotional concussion?
3. Does everyone around you agree with you? ***
4. When having an issue with a friend, do you try to get other friends in the circle to side up with you effectively putting your friend on trial behind their back and assassinating their character?
5. Do you use status to control people? Are you hyper aware of your status? Other peoples? Always pushing for it? Working who you know and what you have into conversation? Do you place status over feelings?
*** It feels good to be understood, but beware if you are telling your mean girl stories- stories that in your heart you know don't add up to you behaving like much of a swell soul- and you're being cheered on. People are nodding so that they are not your next victim, inside they are not cheering, their inner child is rolling her eyes or hiding behind her skirt.
If you answered yes to any of these, it's time to take a look at yourself - hard and clear- maybe issue some humble apologies. The first apology is to yourself. Whatever your reasons for behaving this way- spiritual bankruptcy, you were dropped on your head as a child, drugs, alcohol, molestation, your parents got divorced and Daddy spoiled you with money not time...or you grew up in the middle of nowhere and never felt seen, whatever the case may be. Every time you act your garbage out, you are hurting yourself and you deserve better. God didn't put you on this earth to be an asshole. If you have been the victim of this emotional jumprope, noose, trauma- confused by a friendship gone sour without knowing the where or the why...it's time to get behind yourself and rebuild that faltering self-esteem. Anyone who treats you without respect for your feelings is using you as an embellishment for their ego and cutting yours down in the process. If you recognize it and still feed into it, by allowing them in your life without resolution...you are agreeing to their terms and have no one to blame but yourself. You may be your own worst frenemy.
I loved when the word frenemy first came out. What a perfect turn of phrase. Frenemies look like friends, as in, they are around you, to look like support, but they treat you essentially like an enemy. They talk about you, talk down to you, social compare, lift you up then ignore you, adore, slice, nice-all in spinning unpredictable turns. I thought, wow. So that's what that is. I was negotiating my heart with emotional terrorists, they strike at any minute and leave a mass of destruction. I never felt safe or sure where I stood. That phrase really took the mask off of that confusion. Confusion, I might add, I didn't fathom dealing with in my thirties. But there I was. Traumatized by what felt like the loss of my friends. I realize now you can't lose friends, real friends anyway. Then I had the honor of getting to be my own friend. I didn't have many others in my vicinity, so, it was more of a had to then a want to. And then I realized along that road, I was a frenemy, to myself. I'd build myself up- you deserve respect, you deserve to be understood, what you said was funny! Cute outfit! And then I'd get out the door and have an interaction with one of these people-and tell myself- you suck, you don't make sense, that was so out of line! What the hell are you wearing?! Turning on myself, not to myself, but on myself. Based on my perception of how I was being received. Because I felt unsure of myself, that's the emotional terrorists goal, to control you, by keeping you from feeling safe. The good part about being in a new place- emotional or geographically is that you can make different choices about who gets to share in your life. The good part about having this social crisis in my thirties was that I'd seen a thing or two. Still attracted to familiar ingrained patterns of PLEASE FU&*&ING LIKE ME!!, I was given the miracle of awareness- of knowing myself enough to say, "Hmm, this is how the beginning of the end hurt before and I ain't going down that road again. Come friend Susan, let's see what's over here, in Stable Town."
A good rule of thumb is, would I let this happen to my child? Would I want my child to be friends with this person? If you don't have a child, ask yourself, would I want this for my five year old self, my inner child? If that doesn't work for you, try telling the story as if you were telling it about someone else. Try the third person, "There was this girl and her friend would be her friend one day and then ignore her the next, when she asked her friend if there was something she did to bother her, she went ape shit and told her she was weird." Now if you were to listen to someone tell this story and then wonder what they should do or do anything other but be strictly cordial when running into them, what would you think? Wouldn't you think they were not in their right mind? Well, they're not. They are in the throws of confusion. Be there for them. You've been there yourself. "If this person doesn't like me, I am not worth liking, I will not like myself enough to step away."- basically. If someone makes your stomach heave when your phone rings, texts or you see them, you no longer need to be tied to them - that just causes you unneeded drama. It's essential to tell the story honestly and in the third person to get some distance and perspective. I have had the occasion after writing it out, (I'm a writer, so I write:D) but you can tell a friend, or the mirror) where I've seen that I was wrong or could see their side of the story and felt relief. You could not judge yourself, you could honor yourself! Yes! You are allowed to do that.Don't mistake this for a license to be a pain in the arse. If you have a legitimate one-off with a friend (or if it's a friendship spanning many years- a few), talk about it. Otherwise, life is probably trying to take you in another direction and you are resisting, you'll know because the friendship is too much work. Work that needs to be focused on your job, husband or kids- or getting a job, husband or kids. Take care of your relationships, but don't get distracted either. Some folks are sole focused on their needs, draining your energy to fill up their cup. Some people will just suck you dry- emotional vampires- I believe is the term. Some of us like that so that we can ignore our scarier issues. "I'll get wrapped up in psycho sitch over there, so that I don't have to deal with my stuff over here." I do that. I'll distract myself with petty nonsense or gossip and then I'll ask myself, "Self, Why do I care?" Oh, I don't. I just don't want to deal with what are my issues...I did it last night and I'll do it again. But my awareness is coming quicker and I'm getting refocused on what I need to take care of faster. Progress people. All we can do is progress. Not one of us has it locked down. The idea is to have a dream of how you want to be and work to get there. I'm not sure I ever will, but that's not an excuse to give up. Oh, I slipped into that again- quitting time! No. You can start everyday over. And over and over. Until one day that thing you do, will be a thing you did in the past.
There are many awesome people out there. You deserve to be laughing and connecting and chilling with them. Cool isn't about status or money. Friendship isn't about it either. I'm not saying if you like a stylish crowd that you have to hang around with Mr. and Mrs. Schlubby to have friends. There are plenty of cool people who know how to dress themselves. Friendship isn't because you're both nerds and poor anymore than it's because you are both popular and rich or rich nerds or poor populars. Friendship can't be cool in that space. Friendship is cool. Cool friends are emotionally available, they get life and understand the ride. They get that you're busy, you get that they are too. When you talk you leave feeling more of yourself, more joyful, more connected, more at home in yourself. You don't feel less than. They appreciate and respect your boundaries and have their own. They don't freak out when your likes aren't identical to theirs, they appreciate a different perspective, they guide you when you ask. Cool friends don't feel challenged and defensive when you miscommunicate. Miscommunication you can count on. They are happy to clear it up! (Or at least willing). Cool people don't shame you, scold you, silence you, or go silent on you. That is not cool, that is cruel. Don't deny the cool people your friendship because you are wasting space in your head (which is actually your very short life!), dealing, struggling with these nit-wits, a kind name for emotional terrorists. That is a direct order. If you've tried to connect and got nothing back or at the other extreme yelled at (!?). Don't waste time trying to make it different, wishing you could go back and rewrite history... "I shouldn't have put myself out there or I shouldn't have given my power away! (What power? What power did you have over someone who would treat you thus? What power do you have over anybody? Is power something you want in a friendship? I won't make you wait for the answer key at the bottom of the page- the answers are- None, none, none and no.) Your power is honoring yourself. You serve people by honoring yourself. It allows people the freedom by your example, to honor themselves. It's attractive. Brush these people, (friend is a word of supreme stature- reserved for those deserving), off like dandruff off of your shoulder and hold your head up high. You have just become the person you'd like to spend time with. Seeing as how you have no choice in that matter, I'd be pretty psyched! Be cool and cool will be with you.
Look, everybody's crazy, you just have to find people who are crazy like you. Instead of taking an emotional beating, you'll laugh at your crazies together and learn to make better choices by having this acceptance...laugh, laughter is good. If you aren't laughing, you aren't living. Live people!! LIVE!! Be your own best friend, not your own worst frenemy.
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