Addiction Is The New Gay

Song: Rehab by Amy Winehouse b. 1983-2011 RIP

Candle light vigil for PSH-he saved lives by being a sober example for many years and now being the proof that it took using for less than one to end his own. I lit my candle for that and his sweet generous brilliant theatrical soul- though iconic was still no match for his addiction. 

Addiction is the new gay.  Gay is the old black.  Do I need to tease this out further?

I guess I should since addiction is the new gay and unlike the old gay, which is by and large accepted as not only not a choice but a matter of fact, not faith.  While addiction is still largely considered a choice and a moral defect. I am not of that opinion and spend my time primarily with people who are also not of that opinion. I came to uncomfortably realize this week that I have been cocooned in a way- sheltered by a world of creatives and healers. I was legitimately surprised to read so many "blaming""shaming" responses upon the death of Philip Seymour Hoffman. He was a genius, genius doesn't choose to break their kids hearts. He was an addict, addiction does. I thought everybody knew that, or most everybody. This piece by Andrea Peyser, was the fruity glaze on the cake of ignorance. No time to read it? No problem- her choice of bio photo, reminiscent of SNL's the Church Lady character, says everything we need to know. "Well isn't that special?" Her piece also gave me a slight giggle reminiscent of how the most strongly opposed to homosexuality were soon enough paper macheing floats for the gay pride parade. 

Up until recently it used to be outrageous to come out and say you liked to make out with a man if you were also a man.  It used to be the thing that kept super hero's closeted and cave men popular. It kept major talents like Ellen Degeneres, you know her right? Ellen? Who keeps you laughing and uplifts your soul with her wit and generosity of spirit? It kept her unemployed. When she came out her show was canceled and she was dropped like a cell call in the middle of Yellowstone Park. Can you hear me? No. Nope, you cannot. You can't believe that something you think you know as truth is false. That it must be accepted because it is written into human nature but not your own. How can anyone be different when we are all the same? That doesn't make sense. That doesn't give anyone control.  That's what we need- control. You feel this way or my world will not make sense and I need it to make sense so no to you, you homo, you degenerate drug addict, you alcoholic. Ellen sacrificed the cash and prizes so that she could take off her mask. Now we celebrate her, but it wasn't always that way. I wonder, if she admitted she was a recovering addict tomorrow,  if we'd think her jokes were as funny, her charm as sweet, would she be employable? *For the record that is a hypothetical idea, I am not saying Ellen is an addict-at all.

"Isn't she the best? She's not really gay, I think it's an act," my mom said the other day as we were watching Ellen. She said it not to be offensive, or glib but with a wink in her voice, like she knew her old pal and her old pal wasn't one for beaver. I know my mom, like most woman of her generation, it's just too big a leap. She wasn't taught anything about homosexuality. It basically never existed. Then when all of the gays started coming out of the closet and she found out about it, it was weird. So to say that someone was playing at gay-that in itself is a world of change. That to be gay would be considered cool? An act to get higher ratings? That's progress. Being gay was (and still is for many not living in heathen cities like New York or San Francisco) the worst possible fate. Now, NFL players are out. I'm not gay, but I never thought for a second that I could decide to be. Therefore, gay people wouldn't either. The logic played out in my head like this; being gay=being shunned+no heterosexual sex=misery. Who would choose to be gay unless they were gay? Voicing that being gay "was a choice" was a belief that if contradicted would make you a person worthy of a lynching. Absolutely ostracized.

Matt Damon standing next to me & amongst the crowd

at 155 Bank Street- the disease that doesn't discriminate
Couldn't resist taking pic:D. Awkward.

So it is with addiction. The logic is the same. No one decides they are going to be a slave to drugs or alcohol, lose their jobs, ruin their lives and their families to get high. They are experimenting or going along with the crowd then it adds up. This thing is a salve, an escape from some form of pain. Once an addict takes the first drink, the first pill, the first needle...they have no control. Then what felt good stops working- it's a quick downward spiral into hell. The job of this understanding is not to condone. There are a host of people to consult on how to best school us on how to treat an addict so they can get sober- for free or for mega bucks. I am not one of them. All I am convinced of, is that it is a disease. Progressive and fatal. The only choice is treating it or letting it progress. Addiction is baffling, painful, a home-wrecker - a host of horrendous things- but it is not a choice. Non-addicts have a choice- they try something and then say, 'oh that was a horrible hangover, no more for me,' they say, 'man that felt strange, no thanks.' Addicts don't have that. They try the substance and it fills that gap like nothing did before and their brain says, "MORE." Nothing else is considered after that. They are not thinking about how the alcohol/drug money should go toward the rent or the way their mom will blot her tears in worry or the way they look, sound or even if they will survive. They are thinking, "more." That's all. After the first hit, there is no choice. There is death or institutions. The only way for an addict to survive is by abstaining from that first drink/drug. We shaming them for a disease they would not choose does not help that effort. And for a person whose body is rigged to call for that first one, it is an effort requiring God-like assistance. Isn't that more comfortable to accept anyway? Wouldn't you rather put the blame on the disease than the person? I would. I would much rather my loved one be under the spell of his biology than opting to make me miserable. Blaming the addict makes a victim out of the blamer. Do you want to be a victim? Look how that addict is hurting me! Really, that addict is simply acting like an addict and needs help.  You can't shame an addict into recovery, the same way you can't shame a homosexual into heterosexuality. The difference is being a homosexual isn't an express train to the cemetery (although the shame of it drove Tyler Clementi there.) If an addict has a choice, you are telling them they can stop at anytime and they can't.

So let's think about that the next time we shun someone we hear is an addict. How we all love a moment of "I may not be great but I'm better than THAT." Think about how helpful your gossip, eye-rolls and finger wagging will be to them, their parents, or their spouses and their kids when they are dead. How can a loved one come out to you if you are cold? Think about how much bigger a pay-off you would get by understanding-or praying for the will to understand. Then thank God that today you have a choice. Hopefully, it will take even less time than it did with homosexuality for the majority to come around. Then you can pat yourselves on the back for your forward thinking.  Until then fake it till you make it. Who knows what's in store, the life you save may even be your own.