Blink and You'll Miss Me

SO. My mom is selling her house. Our house. The home we six grew up in, the one we eight lived in for the better of thirty some odd years, those two for a full thirty seven. To the hoarders picking at our junk parked by the curb its a frame with flat tires, to me I see a shiny red ten-speed, the double upper case RR's intertwined at the base of the curly handle bars, my first wheels, a Rolls Ross. I remember when my dad agreed to buy it for me at a bike shop in South Hampton. That sounds very daddy's little rich girl, we weren't rich and it wasn't like that. That's why I remember it. I'm not sure who's face looked more shocked as he paid, me or my mothers. My brothers and sisters weren't even jealous. If this could happen to me, what could happen to them? Don't mess with a miracle. Bite the insides of your cheeks and act like your heart isn't beating out of your chest or it might disappear. But it didn't. My first bike. I rode it to Jen DeSimones house around the corner, she had the same one in blue. We hugged, O.P. shirt to O.P. shirt.

A few days ago my sister brought me an envelope full of pictures, a picture of me on my bike amongst the pile. My face, you'd think I had scored a Gold Medal, I look as proud as if I had done something, actually trained and prepared for years for the gold medal moment and in retrospect I guess I did. Getting Johny G. to part with a hundred bucks was as sure a feat as any 100 yard dash, a triple lundy off the high dive, no splash.

I miss him.

Then today a friend from the beach sent me pictures via Kodak Gallery thereby connecting me to a whole world I knew and forgot about since I no longer remember to even download my pictures.  I found an album on there I uploaded in 2009. I can't believe how much has changed in two years. I especially can't believe how much my Julian has changed, that I actually started questioning why we called him Butterball. I remember being confused when anyone including (especially) strangers would come up to me and tell me he was huge.  I have long suffered from a reverse anorexia, where in my mind's eye I'm as hot as humanly possible and then I see pictures and I'm like, who's the fat chick? oh, sh*t never mind, move on, its me. Anyway, I guess I see my children the same way. I remember making a video called Baby Fat in answer, everyone seemed so jazzed at how fat my baby was I thought "Well, you can have one too! Fat suits for babies!" it was to poke fun and say who cares but now I see the pictures and think I may have taken those comments a tad too personally. And more distressing see the pictures from when I was 23-28 and wonder why those people weren't around then to tell me I was shorty 140. Could have helped things. A lot. 

I have downloaded the slide show yes, that's what this blog has been reduced to. Come watch my slides:) It's set to music. Unfortunately, the photo's my sister gave me aren't digital, big darn there, SO bummed I can't show you how fat I was. But please enjoy these. As if there weren't enough ways life is showing me how fast it all goes this year...My dad was here and now he's not, there were two and now there's three and he's teething and first grade starts next week, and my younger sister became a mother yesterday and it will be the tenth anniversary this September 11th, and, and. All the ands.  

I hope it will help me and you to slow down and enjoy the ride and maybe make your own album (it was only $4 dollars:). Although I feel like I am constantly pulling myself to stay "in the moment", after finding this album and having no recollection of any of those days (did I really make cupcakes with buttercream frosting and a variety of toppings?) these days I'm going to try not to blink. I don't want to miss a thing.

Good Week all!! xx!