Song: Caught a Ghost - Hold Out
** All names except for my sons are a work of fiction.
I was talking to a friend of mine. Said a woman done hurt his pride. Told him that she loved him so. Turned around and let him go. Baby you better watch your step, somebody gonna hurt your pride. Somebody gonna tell you lies. Cut you down to size. Don't do me like that.
Haha. Where did that come from?@ Well, I sat down to write about friendships, and that's what song came to my mind. I prolly have the lyrics wrong. But "Don't do me like that", is the best and I know that's right. So we're good ;D
My second grader, Colbert, had a homework assignment yesterday. We sent it in so I have the exact wording off, but here's the what...
"Eddie is Kurt's best friend. They planned to spend the night at Kurt's house sleeping outside in a tent. Then Eddie got invited to a party at Jack's house. He really wanted to go to Jack's. All of the friends would be there. That would be so much more fun than sleeping outside alone with Kurt. He knew going to the party would hurt Kurt's feelings. His hands shook as he picked up the phone to call Kurt."
Then there were a few questions. One I really liked, "How could you tell Eddie was worried?" His hands were shaking. Then, the last one asked "What would you do? Explain."
Okay, first of all. I started shaking watching him eagerly put pencil to paper. I had a palpable hunch that Colbert was going to say, "Later, Kurt!"
Second, what kid doesn't want to sleep outside in a tent? What parent is letting 7 year olds sleep outside in a tent? I'm sure Kurt's a great kid but his mom's messed up. Hence, Kurt = no invite. Just kidding. I hope kids aren't judged by their moms, my kids will be ska-rewed. Third, what kind of Brokeback Mountain craziness is in this example? "...so much more fun than sleeping outside, alone in a tent with Kurt." Um, that'll depend in time, I guess. Sorry, I'm just having a bit of fun. Go prop 8. Seriously.
Okay, so. This one needs to be talked out. As predicted by my palpitations, my body never fails me, Colbert was all set to go to the party.
"Okay," I said. Flashbacks of backstabbers and mean-girls flooded my inner child. Part of me wanted to grab him by the scruff of the neck and stuff him in the attic. Then I remembered that he is seven and suffers bouts of low self-esteem. The wording, "All of the friends would be there", that was the straw. "But look at who Kurt is? Who is Kurt to Eddie?"
"Oh, his best friend," he said, happy he got the answer to what must have felt like a riddle, then looking a little embarrassed. Attic? What attic? I'm going to have a parade.
"What does it say going to the party would do to Kurt?"
"Hurt his fillings," he said, eyes down. He always writes and pronounces feelings, fillings. As if they were once cavities, 'the hollow of a body', and then I guess sometimes they are. Even when he wrote it on the back of his bedroom door in a graphite scrawl that almost put me to the ground. "You hurt my fillings. - ColBrt."
"So, who's your best friend?" I asked, knowing how it varies. If I insert a name I'll get screamed at.
"Jake," he said.
"Would you want Jake to feel bad?" I asked. Trying my best not to steer.
"No, no," Colbert said. The way he looks out over his glasses is so humbling. This job is impossible. So many fillings.
"And would Jake do that to you?" I asked.
"No. Never," Colbert said, smiling like Goofy, looking up and around the room. "Jake's the best. Jake's like, Jake's like the nicest person."
"He really is," he really is.
"But Sam would," Colbert said. "Sam totally would."
I know Sam, he is a meathead in training. I have seen him cold stare Colbert when he tells him jokes, tell him his body is "gross!", that he has no eyes because he wears glasses - all while kissing his not-yet-there biceps and blowing snot rocks out of his puny nostrils. Knowing your kid could hurt someone is painful; seeing your kid bullied is grief. I tell myself that it looks worse to me than it feels for him. Colbert of course must have Sam like him, he worships him. I know there will always be a Sam. This is an inside job for Colbert. I am thrilled he is starting to understand that Sam is not where it's at. Thank you teachers. Thank God for Eddie and Kurt! Sam would unblinkingly never give a terd about Kurt's feelings. He wouldn't even pick up the phone. He'd leave Kurt alone in the tent, waiting.
"Yeah, he'd be like Kurt who?" I said laughing.
"Colbert who?!" he said, laughing.
"So would you cancel on Sam?" I asked.
"Yes!" he said, like duh?! "That's who I was thinking about back then!"
And there it is. The Golden Rule. Do unto others as they do you. Don't do me like that. Oh wait, I got it wrong. It's 'Do unto others as you'd have done to you.'
Darn. I don't know quite what to say to that. I think of second chances and don't lower yourself and be bigger. And then I think we're here for such a short time, weed him out early, dude. If someone has consistently hurt you and you can say for a fact that they will do it again? Stand up and walk. The hard part is the 'stand up', that's telling a person how you feel. Yikes, for me at least, this has never worked. If I so much as say something rubbed me the wrong way, I'm done for. So I've pretty much stopped that. Just kidding, that has happened in the past. Today, I have great friends based on this very approach, truth. Because I would like that done unto me. It's not easy to do- there is the risk that a friend won't like your feelings. They won't care and say you're annoying or too sensitive and be defensive and whoah- that's when it gets exhausting and it's, well, over. I know, sometimes it can be tough stuff, this friendship business. When you find the good ones though, it's so worth it. I don't know what I'd do without my friends. I want my children to have these essential bonds.
These guys have a chance at healthy relationships, of being respected and most importantly having early self respect. Even Sam, weed he may be, deserves to be told what he did, he may be getting lots of positive feedback, (or what he thinks is positive feedback) for his behavior and not know that he is hurting his friend. He's just a little boy. After that, if he doesn't care... lates gates. But so many times, I'd say most of the time, unless their picker is really off, a friend is not intentionally trying to hurt your kid. Like Colbert's first reaction to Eddie and Kurt, he just didn't see the whole picture. He saw 'alone in a tent .vs. all the friends at a party'. And on the other hand, not everybody's Jake. Jake would be a best friend, Sam an acquaintance (or a run the other way:). Lots of levels of friendships in between. There's energy, chemistry, timing, someone may treat you well but you just don't click... that's cool, keep it moving...etc. So, best advice is not to give advice- I won't tell you what to do. I do tell Colbert to be wise and listen to his fillings.
** All names except for my sons are a work of fiction.
I was talking to a friend of mine. Said a woman done hurt his pride. Told him that she loved him so. Turned around and let him go. Baby you better watch your step, somebody gonna hurt your pride. Somebody gonna tell you lies. Cut you down to size. Don't do me like that.
Haha. Where did that come from?@ Well, I sat down to write about friendships, and that's what song came to my mind. I prolly have the lyrics wrong. But "Don't do me like that", is the best and I know that's right. So we're good ;D
My second grader, Colbert, had a homework assignment yesterday. We sent it in so I have the exact wording off, but here's the what...
"Eddie is Kurt's best friend. They planned to spend the night at Kurt's house sleeping outside in a tent. Then Eddie got invited to a party at Jack's house. He really wanted to go to Jack's. All of the friends would be there. That would be so much more fun than sleeping outside alone with Kurt. He knew going to the party would hurt Kurt's feelings. His hands shook as he picked up the phone to call Kurt."
Then there were a few questions. One I really liked, "How could you tell Eddie was worried?" His hands were shaking. Then, the last one asked "What would you do? Explain."
Okay, first of all. I started shaking watching him eagerly put pencil to paper. I had a palpable hunch that Colbert was going to say, "Later, Kurt!"
Second, what kid doesn't want to sleep outside in a tent? What parent is letting 7 year olds sleep outside in a tent? I'm sure Kurt's a great kid but his mom's messed up. Hence, Kurt = no invite. Just kidding. I hope kids aren't judged by their moms, my kids will be ska-rewed. Third, what kind of Brokeback Mountain craziness is in this example? "...so much more fun than sleeping outside, alone in a tent with Kurt." Um, that'll depend in time, I guess. Sorry, I'm just having a bit of fun. Go prop 8. Seriously.
Okay, so. This one needs to be talked out. As predicted by my palpitations, my body never fails me, Colbert was all set to go to the party.
"Okay," I said. Flashbacks of backstabbers and mean-girls flooded my inner child. Part of me wanted to grab him by the scruff of the neck and stuff him in the attic. Then I remembered that he is seven and suffers bouts of low self-esteem. The wording, "All of the friends would be there", that was the straw. "But look at who Kurt is? Who is Kurt to Eddie?"
"Oh, his best friend," he said, happy he got the answer to what must have felt like a riddle, then looking a little embarrassed. Attic? What attic? I'm going to have a parade.
"What does it say going to the party would do to Kurt?"
"Hurt his fillings," he said, eyes down. He always writes and pronounces feelings, fillings. As if they were once cavities, 'the hollow of a body', and then I guess sometimes they are. Even when he wrote it on the back of his bedroom door in a graphite scrawl that almost put me to the ground. "You hurt my fillings. - ColBrt."
"So, who's your best friend?" I asked, knowing how it varies. If I insert a name I'll get screamed at.
"Jake," he said.
"Would you want Jake to feel bad?" I asked. Trying my best not to steer.
"No, no," Colbert said. The way he looks out over his glasses is so humbling. This job is impossible. So many fillings.
"And would Jake do that to you?" I asked.
"No. Never," Colbert said, smiling like Goofy, looking up and around the room. "Jake's the best. Jake's like, Jake's like the nicest person."
"He really is," he really is.
"But Sam would," Colbert said. "Sam totally would."
I know Sam, he is a meathead in training. I have seen him cold stare Colbert when he tells him jokes, tell him his body is "gross!", that he has no eyes because he wears glasses - all while kissing his not-yet-there biceps and blowing snot rocks out of his puny nostrils. Knowing your kid could hurt someone is painful; seeing your kid bullied is grief. I tell myself that it looks worse to me than it feels for him. Colbert of course must have Sam like him, he worships him. I know there will always be a Sam. This is an inside job for Colbert. I am thrilled he is starting to understand that Sam is not where it's at. Thank you teachers. Thank God for Eddie and Kurt! Sam would unblinkingly never give a terd about Kurt's feelings. He wouldn't even pick up the phone. He'd leave Kurt alone in the tent, waiting.
"Yeah, he'd be like Kurt who?" I said laughing.
"Colbert who?!" he said, laughing.
"So would you cancel on Sam?" I asked.
"Yes!" he said, like duh?! "That's who I was thinking about back then!"
And there it is. The Golden Rule. Do unto others as they do you. Don't do me like that. Oh wait, I got it wrong. It's 'Do unto others as you'd have done to you.'
Darn. I don't know quite what to say to that. I think of second chances and don't lower yourself and be bigger. And then I think we're here for such a short time, weed him out early, dude. If someone has consistently hurt you and you can say for a fact that they will do it again? Stand up and walk. The hard part is the 'stand up', that's telling a person how you feel. Yikes, for me at least, this has never worked. If I so much as say something rubbed me the wrong way, I'm done for. So I've pretty much stopped that. Just kidding, that has happened in the past. Today, I have great friends based on this very approach, truth. Because I would like that done unto me. It's not easy to do- there is the risk that a friend won't like your feelings. They won't care and say you're annoying or too sensitive and be defensive and whoah- that's when it gets exhausting and it's, well, over. I know, sometimes it can be tough stuff, this friendship business. When you find the good ones though, it's so worth it. I don't know what I'd do without my friends. I want my children to have these essential bonds.
These guys have a chance at healthy relationships, of being respected and most importantly having early self respect. Even Sam, weed he may be, deserves to be told what he did, he may be getting lots of positive feedback, (or what he thinks is positive feedback) for his behavior and not know that he is hurting his friend. He's just a little boy. After that, if he doesn't care... lates gates. But so many times, I'd say most of the time, unless their picker is really off, a friend is not intentionally trying to hurt your kid. Like Colbert's first reaction to Eddie and Kurt, he just didn't see the whole picture. He saw 'alone in a tent .vs. all the friends at a party'. And on the other hand, not everybody's Jake. Jake would be a best friend, Sam an acquaintance (or a run the other way:). Lots of levels of friendships in between. There's energy, chemistry, timing, someone may treat you well but you just don't click... that's cool, keep it moving...etc. So, best advice is not to give advice- I won't tell you what to do. I do tell Colbert to be wise and listen to his fillings.
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