Last weekend I was curled up in a ball in my bed all but drooling and sucking my thumb. It seemed, my husband informed me, that California, and our move was off the table. I felt blindsided. I actually don't remember a big chunk of part of days following. How could this be? Everything was in place, the house was sold, we were a week from closing- I thought. I know I sold a bunch of stuff and packed more. I blogged about it! If it's in writing it must be happening.
This mind you, was precipitated by a week of bodily terror. Tuesday, I sliced my left pointer finger in a handheld Cuisinart (pink for breast cancer awareness), resulting in eight stitches. Followed by two days of 102 degree fever and chills then waking up two days after that with shingles. Three days after that was my appointment at Winthrop Nuclear Medicine for a full-body Indium scan to figure out why I've been having daily low-grade fevers and night sweats for the past eight months. Sexy time.
That was just my stuff. Add three kids and a husband and families and packing and press pulse, oh wait. Don't. Your finger may still be in the mix. I have nary an occasion to feel on top of my game but these last couple of weeks sure have been low scoring.
Yep. I thought we were 5-0. We are 0-5. Not sure how I scored that but run with me;)
I am not at liberty to say what went wrong because I believe it's in the hands of lawyers but from what I understand it was neither of our faults-"ours" being the buyers or the sellers. So, I can't point the finger but I can still give it -to the whole situation. The woman who was buying our house, who I incidentally fell in love with, who incidentally was also so sure of the move she had her kids at our bus stop since the first day of school, won't look at me. As if I had anything to do with it. But, okay. I can barely look at my husband. As if he had anything to do with it. But, okay. Both our families have kids who were collectively adjusting to the idea of a new state, new schools, leaving their friends and cousins- they don't seem to know where to look. Not, okay.
I need to be reminded of all the cliches and believe they are true. "Replace fear with faith." "A delay is not a denial". "It's in God's hands". "Do the next right thing, the rest will take care of itself." "Kids are resilient." "No one died." "I can't point my finger, but I can still give it." :)
It's about two weeks since I stuck my finger into the cuisinart to dislodge cookie dough that was stuck around the blade and pressed pulse at top speed. I may not forget seeing my blood splattering machine gun style around all of my white cabinets and walls or how scared I was- in shock realizing what I was doing. Amazingly, you don't really feel yourself being sliced at that speed, you SEE it, and then stop it. I may not forget my kids faces as they witnessed my own skin drain of color and me having to drop to the floor so as not to faint (I'm a bloodophobe.) But I know I will never forget that in this short amount of time the stitches are out, the finger is not fixed but mostly healed, I didn't cut bone and that it was not nearly as bad as it originally appeared.
I decided I wasn't going to go to the dermatologist for the shingles- it's a virus. I'm a Google M.D. I know everything. I was so sick of doctors without answers plus, what could they do for a virus? Give me pain pills? Nah. However, it started on my wrist and had now wrapped around my torso. It was getting worse. Pain meds would be great! The dermatologist treated my shingles with Valtrex, an anti-viral medication. She said no to pain pills;(!? That very night I did not have night sweats or a fever for the first time in over eight months. I'm not talking getting a little damp behind the neck, shake your blankies off, night sweats...I'm
talking DRENCHED, hair wet, change clothes, put down a towel, can't change sheets because kids are in the bed with you and it's twice a night anyway night sweats. A night without that was great.
One catch, I had my Indium scan that morning. I thought "Oh, soup! They're not going to be able to see what's wrong with me, of course the first time ever is the night before I'm lit up." *An Indium scan is where they take out your white blood cells and attach nuclear particles to them and put it back in to see where they go to fight infection- the nuclear particles light up under the scan. I'm actually radioactive. They gave me a card saying I was to be excused in case I was stopped near tunnels or the city. Wild. Anyway, I get the first part done and then the next night, no sweats again. Shingles still itch like a monster, but...hey, not waking up twice a night like I got doused while in the middle of a dream- fair trade. So, I look up Valtrex. It also treats, Epstein Barr Virus (EBV).
Out of all of the major doctors I saw to rule out all of the horrible things that these symptoms could be-eccessive weight loss, night sweats, fatigue, swollen lymph nodes, (are you thinking what I was thinking? Cause I was thinking stage IV Non-Hodgkins)....only one nurse practitioner, Kathy Heatherington found evidence that I recently had EBV. That was late June. The trouble was none of my symptoms (except the weight loss) went away. And all of the doctors said EBV was not the answer. Well, she never treated me with Valtrex- thinking it was convalescing and either did they- thinking it was b.s. I have not had a fever or a soggy sleep since. So, that was a good answer. A long painful way round. But an answer with an easily treatable solution. Herpes!! Shingles and EBV are both herpes!! I never knew I had herpes. I guess it's not the STD kind. Still, what a punchline. Unsurprisingly, the Indium scan came up negative. YAY!
I don't know. I haven't unpacked but we do get to go to an old friends wedding now that we'll be here- that's a silver lining. I am still bitterly heartbroken and praying things will work out the way I want, not the way they should. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I do have these little proofs that it somehow always does. Botched dreams never feel good while being botched. Technically I shouldn't even be in this house, I'm supposed to be polishing a Pulitzer next to my Oscar while standing on my star on the Walk of Fame. OR technically, I shouldn't even have a house or a husband and kids to worry about because it's a miracle I found someone crazy enough to marry me. Point is, I want what I want when I want it. I work to make my wants happen. I don't buy into the world of leaving life up to fate and signs and unicorns. I like the idea of making my own luck. But it never works out my way. But it always works out. After some time, it's never as bad as it looks.
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| This does not look as impressive as it felt. Trust. |
That was just my stuff. Add three kids and a husband and families and packing and press pulse, oh wait. Don't. Your finger may still be in the mix. I have nary an occasion to feel on top of my game but these last couple of weeks sure have been low scoring.
Yep. I thought we were 5-0. We are 0-5. Not sure how I scored that but run with me;)
I am not at liberty to say what went wrong because I believe it's in the hands of lawyers but from what I understand it was neither of our faults-"ours" being the buyers or the sellers. So, I can't point the finger but I can still give it -to the whole situation. The woman who was buying our house, who I incidentally fell in love with, who incidentally was also so sure of the move she had her kids at our bus stop since the first day of school, won't look at me. As if I had anything to do with it. But, okay. I can barely look at my husband. As if he had anything to do with it. But, okay. Both our families have kids who were collectively adjusting to the idea of a new state, new schools, leaving their friends and cousins- they don't seem to know where to look. Not, okay.
I need to be reminded of all the cliches and believe they are true. "Replace fear with faith." "A delay is not a denial". "It's in God's hands". "Do the next right thing, the rest will take care of itself." "Kids are resilient." "No one died." "I can't point my finger, but I can still give it." :)
It's about two weeks since I stuck my finger into the cuisinart to dislodge cookie dough that was stuck around the blade and pressed pulse at top speed. I may not forget seeing my blood splattering machine gun style around all of my white cabinets and walls or how scared I was- in shock realizing what I was doing. Amazingly, you don't really feel yourself being sliced at that speed, you SEE it, and then stop it. I may not forget my kids faces as they witnessed my own skin drain of color and me having to drop to the floor so as not to faint (I'm a bloodophobe.) But I know I will never forget that in this short amount of time the stitches are out, the finger is not fixed but mostly healed, I didn't cut bone and that it was not nearly as bad as it originally appeared.
 |
| Bringing sexy back. |
One catch, I had my Indium scan that morning. I thought "Oh, soup! They're not going to be able to see what's wrong with me, of course the first time ever is the night before I'm lit up." *An Indium scan is where they take out your white blood cells and attach nuclear particles to them and put it back in to see where they go to fight infection- the nuclear particles light up under the scan. I'm actually radioactive. They gave me a card saying I was to be excused in case I was stopped near tunnels or the city. Wild. Anyway, I get the first part done and then the next night, no sweats again. Shingles still itch like a monster, but...hey, not waking up twice a night like I got doused while in the middle of a dream- fair trade. So, I look up Valtrex. It also treats, Epstein Barr Virus (EBV).
Out of all of the major doctors I saw to rule out all of the horrible things that these symptoms could be-eccessive weight loss, night sweats, fatigue, swollen lymph nodes, (are you thinking what I was thinking? Cause I was thinking stage IV Non-Hodgkins)....only one nurse practitioner, Kathy Heatherington found evidence that I recently had EBV. That was late June. The trouble was none of my symptoms (except the weight loss) went away. And all of the doctors said EBV was not the answer. Well, she never treated me with Valtrex- thinking it was convalescing and either did they- thinking it was b.s. I have not had a fever or a soggy sleep since. So, that was a good answer. A long painful way round. But an answer with an easily treatable solution. Herpes!! Shingles and EBV are both herpes!! I never knew I had herpes. I guess it's not the STD kind. Still, what a punchline. Unsurprisingly, the Indium scan came up negative. YAY!
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| With Henry at Park day after starting Valtrex |
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| Our Miley impersonation |
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